And we’re back. Like the Expendables, but with about three muscles between us. This month’s question was a particularly tricky one to tackle, so thank you all for taking so much time into coming up with some great answers. Kieron, in particular, got his answer in, despite this PC issues, which was greatly appreciated. He had to use his girlfriend’s laptop and we all know that asking a favour from a girlfriend is essentially the same as handing over your debit card details for the rest of the month. Kieron, your sacrifice will go down in blogging history. The offending question was for each blogger to come up with an actor they loved, preferable their all-time favourite, but then to discuss a bad performance. The answers have been thoughtful and fun. I love that a handful of actors get mentioned twice. One actor gets called up on the same bad performance, meaning that they really did crash and burn.
Also, on a side-note, I love how everyone was really apologetic about getting their entries in so late, but I have to admit, I handed my own in last. With a few days to go, I was panicking, because I had no idea what to put and it was my own bloody question. But that is all part of the fun. Speaking of fun, this month’s side question was: What would you do if you woke up next to Eva Green? A terrible question, because it meant I spent my weekend, condescending Eric’s sprawling fan fiction novel down to a single sentence.
ORACLE OF FILM – MARK HAMILL
Mark Hamill will always be the Joker in my eyes. Despite raising endless controversy, his voice for the Joker beats Nicholson, Ledger and all the others. Just listen to him do this thing in some of the animated movies and you have to admit that the guy can act. But the thing is when he was younger, he dropped the ball dramatically in the acting department. And yes, one of those movies was Star Wars, especially a New Hope, before he had grown into the character of Luke Skywalker. Most of the movie involves him standing there with his mouth wide open. His own father spends the entire movie wanting to slap his stupid face. I appreciate that George Lucas wanted to cast an unknown actor, but one that had learned to act first would have been appreciated.
As for Eva Green, me and her would probably film a funny video, involving Batman costumes, a Jennifer Lawrence poster and the two of us perving on the latest trees in cinema.
SPORADIC CHRONICLES OF A BEGINNER BLOGGER – GARY OLDMAN
So Luke rolled around with quite a heavy question this month, and I got to thinking. Now we all know that I am just like the worst Leonardo DiCaprio junkie of all time, and thinking on his performances I cannot fault him for a single one. So I would have to delve into my chest of actors and find one in there. Now, I am sure that this can be done… Wow, that took longer than I thought, but the one I keep coming back to is Gary Oldman as Father Solomon in Red Riding Hood. Granted, this was not necessarily his fault, that script was ghastly, but ouch. To see his name (and DiCaprio – producer) under this banner was just… dammit it hurt! The dialogue was horrendous, Father Solomon’s character was ludicrous, and it just irritated me when he was on screen (which is saying something, seeing as only he and Seyfried really brought anything to the table in this pile of junk). It sucked knowing that it was Gary Oldman when all was said and done???? Meh. It was just too much in a film that meant so little, trying too hard to be amazing. Oldman was a disappointment here, but as I said, he did the best with what he was given, which wasn’t much to start with.
If I had to wake up to Eva Green I would ask if she had slept well, what she is doing in my house of all places, and then throw some random movie quotes around, because having a gorgeous actress next to you when you wake calls for it.
Pfff. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. Please note the lack of the C-bomb.
MOVIEROB – TOM HANKS
I have always been a HUGE fan of everything Tom Hanks has done, but I really believe that he was terrible in both (soon to be 3; I’m pretty confident) movies where he played Robert Langdon; The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. I have read all of the books and the choice to cast Hanks in this pivotal role was completely done from a financial perspective (it must be), because he in no way fits into the descriptions of the character from the books. Both books were written extremely well, but the way Ron Howard and Brian Grazer adapted this to the screen totally destroyed the suspense and the great mysteries that unfolded in the pages of the books.
Some books are just way too hard to adapt properly…..
Eva Green: Rob didn’t actually put anything, so I am assuming that is code for stammering nervously, making his apologies and leaving rapidly.
DIGITIAL SHORTBREAD – JODIE FOSTER
Jodie Foster in her turn as the evil Secretary Delacourte in Elysium. Why, you ask? Because this one character is simultaneously one of the most irritating cliched/stereotyped villainous roles (the over-the-top voice, accent, shrillness whenever she speaks, etc) and is a poor performance from a drama vet who really ought to know better. Despite whatever the script said, I believe Jodie Foster had more in the tanks than this. She was nerve-grating each and every time she appeared on screen and to be completely honest was one of the reasons Elysium suffered from a case of bullshit-itis. Whatever that means. Basically, let’s hope we don’t see a performance this awkward and crappy from someone as talented as Ms. Jodie Foster. For crying out loud, this was at one point Clarice Starling.
What would I do if I woke up beside Eva Green, you ask? Why, I’d promptly get up and make my cereal and get on with my day, as if nothing happened. I’d play it so cool, like. . . .so cool. . . . .
CINEMA PARROT DISCO – JOHNNY DEPP
This is a difficult question as I don’t think I have one absolute favorite actor or actress. I love certain people: Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Drew Barrymore… (for which I make no apologies!). I know Drew has had some dodgy roles but I’m going to choose an actor I used to adore but am afraid I’m starting to go off of: Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp could do no wrong for me at first – I loved everything he did starting with A Nightmare On Elm Street and of course 21 Jump Street. Then he teamed up with Tim Burton & they seemed to be pure magic together. I freaking love Edward Scissorhands & Johnny was perfect in it. Then they made Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and things started going to shit! I can’t fully blame Johnny for the movie sucking ass but I can’t say I enjoyed his usual “quirky” thing in this one. He was just plain creepy and annoying and… ARGH! I just hated the whole thing. I try to not think about this movie as I do still like Johnny (but the EVEN WORSE Alice In Wonderland didn’t help things!). Johnny has been in far too many shitty movies lately. Johnny – please choose your roles more carefully from now on! Try something… Different! I have no idea what, though. Hmm… Anyone have any suggestions for him?
If I woke up next to Eva Green, I’d ask her to go to work for me so I can sleep in plus maybe I’d have her make me some toast before she left.
THE IPC – NICOLAS CAGE
Nic Cage as fucking Ghost Rider…. what a pitiful performance. Granted the dialogue and the directing and the editing and the story and the plot and the CGI all sucked – he still fucked off as Johnny Blaze. And what was with the fucking jellybeans??? GOD DAMN that movie!!
It also didn’t help that this was the only bootleg movie I have ever seen. Some dude was filming it from the top row and I could hear him breathing the whole time. Plus his thumb kept getting in the way and people kept getting up to go shit (I guess). This was a terrible experience.
Eva Green, eh????? I would jizz…. AGAIN!
SILVER SCREEN SERENADE – JODIE FOSTER
I don’t know if I’d call her my favorite actress, but I think Jodie Foster can be awesome in the right roles. Taxi Driver and The Silence of the Lambs come to mind, though I know she’s been great in other things, too. But then came Elysium. Playing villainous Delacourt, Foster just…isn’t great. To be fair, the character sucks in general, but Foster’s performance doesn’t help. She’s robotic, over-the-top cruel, and she has this annoying, lazy, vaguely European accent that doesn’t seem to have been run by any dialect coach whatsoever. And that HAIR. Does. Not. Work. Sorry, girl.
As for this other business…If I woke up next to Eva Green, I would first stare in open-mouthed befuddlement, then I would ask her if Daniel Craig is nice in real life, then I would offer to make her cereal for breakfast because that only seems polite. I mean, isn’t that what you guys would do?????
TIM THE FILM GUY – GARY OLDMAN
Gary Oldman in Lost in Space! The film is awful, the dialogue is shocking and the characters are making it so cheesy. The worst part though is that Gary Oldman is dragged into the exact same categories. His dialogue is painful and I seriously hope Oldman just gave up at some point because its not a worthy film to his talent.
As for the Eva Green question, well PG goes out the window for this one. I say “would you like to have sex”, she says “yes” and I fuck her brains out.
WHAT ABOUT THE TWINKIE – BRUCE WILLIS
I found Luke’s choice of question of the month this month particularly hard to answer. Sure, good actors will always make a few bad movies, but how do you pick that one truly awful performance that makes you question everything you’ve ever known?
My favourite actor is Bill Murray. Murray, like all actors, has made some bad choices in his career, but as a sharp minded film buff, or a snob to the rest of you, I try to avoid what I think looks like a bad movie. Take Garfield for instance. It looked terrible, got awful reviews and looked like a horrible way to spend 80 minutes, and I avoided that piece of shit movie like the plague. There was also City of Ember, which was by no means awful, it just felt a little flat but Murray was ok in that. So, I then moved my thoughts on to another of my favourite actors, Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Austrian Oak is by no means the greatest actor that has ever lived, but he has featured in several of my all time favourite movies, but when he chooses a bad one, boy are they bad. I could go on about Batman & Robin (again), but I won’t. There’s Collateral Damage, The 6th Day, End of Days and Jingle All The Way. These movies would surely end a lesser mans career, and demote him to Syfy style movies, the likes of which get a cult following for all the wrong reasons. Despite that, I don’t hate any of his roles.
Then it dawned on me and I suddenly realised exactly which performance bugged me the most from one of my favourite actors. It was Bruce Willis as John McClane in A Good Day to Die Hard. The movie, much like Willis’s performance, was flat, uninspired and very boring. It’s hard to imagine how a Die Hard film could ever be boring, but director John Moore somehow managed it. Combine his poor direction, lack of understanding of the character of McClane and an altogether insane plot with Willis’s stale performance and you have all the ingredients for a terrible film. I’m not quite sure what had led Willis to this, but he looks bored throughout the film. Even in interviews prior to the film’s release he seemed unwilling to converse with those asking him the questions. His entire range of expressions during the film change from disinterested, to complete apathy. I genuinely believe that he did not want to be there during filming, I can only hope that Die Hard 6 has something interesting to do with McClane.
If I woke up next to Eva Green tomorrow, I would pray to whoever’s listening that I am happily caught in my own wonderful version of Groundhog Day and wish to stay there, forever.