It’s a tough life for a comic book movie. While they might be surpassing all expectations, they don’t have too much choice. Even before Marvel set the bar terrifyingly high with Avengers Assemble, the stakes were high. These characters have become myths, legends to their fans. Most superhero comics were created as a form of escapism during the Great Depression, so they have a special place in our hearts. These movies have the tough job of living up to that, so it stands to reason that some superhero movies are going to fail miserably. Below, you guys, have been given a chance to rant about the worst of those movies.
I have also included a sub-category, where each of you described Joffrey in three words. Be warned, I have permitted very strong language to be used, seeing as we are talking about everyone’s favourite Game of Thrones character. I personally think that it is absolutely justified. So, now we are all sufficiently warned, I’ll begin.
ORACLE OF FILM – ANG LEE’S THE HULK
There are far too many comic book movies to choose from. Some of them never stood a chance, being handed to the wrong directors and struggling to rise above the camp nature of the comic book. But the worst ones are the movies that have so much potential. Sure, Ghostrider sucked, but it didn’t leave a dent on my childhood. Nicolas Cage has always been shite, so I took nothing new away from the failure of that movie. But Ang Lee’s The Hulk is a different story altogether.
As a child, I couldn’t comprehend how someone could mess up the concept of a giant, green monster smashing through the military. As an adult, I understand that a movie needs more depth than that (see Emmerich’s Godzilla), but Ang Lee went looking for dimension in the wrong place. He dived into the science of gamma radiation and what made the Hulk possible. No one cared. It is a silly idea in the first place, so we were more than happy to just accept that Bruce Banner became the Hulk. However, Ang Lee wasn’t prepared to do this and we got one of the most exposition and needless origin stories ever, when it really should have been the simplest one yet. There isn’t too much ground to cover with the character. The majority of the movie is just plain dull. I guess there is one scene I enjoyed where he tears apart the army in the desert, but that one good scene stood as a slap in the face for what could have been. This film is more than dreadful; it’s heart-breaking.
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Ideal role model.
THE IPC – 30 DAYS OF NIGHT: DARK DAYS
I’m late getting this written because when Luke first sent out this memo, he asked for what our worst “superhero” movie was so I spent a week thinking about how I could dig in to “The Toxic Avenger” – that pitiful piece of shit that everyone seems to love. The only good that fucking thing ever brought to my life was putting it in on during a date one time and making out with that poor girl I met at the water park the day before. Note: we made out once and she never came back. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried The Shocker so early in our relationship*.
But here he fucking comes now asking for something on a “comic book” movie. Whatever! You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game, pal!!!
I don’t know if that’s exactly true or not but, looking at a wikipedia list of comic book movies, out of the one’s I’ve seen on this list, it would have to be 30 DAYS OF NIGHT: DARK DAYS. I want to say right now that I liked: the gore and the actress who played Lilith. This is what I didn’t like: ALL (except for one) of the other actors / actresses, the DVD cover, the vampires, the actual storytelling, the actors’ delivery, the vampires’ screaming, their teeth, the CGI, the costumes, the lack of attention to detail, the plot holes and the horrible fucking ending. I mean, at one point there’s this big head squishy scene that’s supposed to be the movie’s money shot and whatsherfuckingface gets blood ALL OVER HER. The next shot…. there’s a couple of drops here and there. Whatthefuckever.
I piss on this movie!! PISS!!!! PISS!!!!!!!!!!!!
*That may or may not be a true story.**
** It is. I’ll never understand women.
Describe Joffrey in three words: Cock-sucking Pussy!
WHAT ABOUT THE TWINKIE – BATMAN AND ROBIN
“Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze there, putting the fear into George Clooney’s nipple suited Batman. Hardly inspires confidence does it? Well, there are many more examples of such poor dialogue littered throughout Joel Schumacher’s 1997 cheese fest, and believe me they really do get worse.
Quite how the Batman franchise got to this point is still beyond me. What started off so superbly with Tim Burton’s Batman in 1989 got a little darker in 1992 with Batman Returns. Both of these movies are excellent and represent a director who understood both the source material and how to turn that into a successful blockbuster, even if they do look a little dated now. Things got a little worse in 1995 though, when Tim Burton chose not to return to the Bat franchise and Warner Bros. and DC instead chose Joel Schumacher to direct the next instalment in the series, Batman Forever. Batman Forever was not the stinking pile of turd some would have you believe, even though our very own Luke does a very good job of persuading us otherwise, but audiences could see that the quality of these movies were falling drastically, and what had started off as a dark interpretation of Gotham’s finest was turning into something more akin to the Batman serials of the 1960’s. In 1997 Warner Bros. treated us to a unique movie, a movie that was so bad that we would not see another Batman movie until 2005’s Batman Begins. Numerous attempts were made to reboot the series, after Batman & Robin fell way short of everybody’s expectations.
Everyone will surely have their reasons for disliking Batman & Robin. Nipples on the “anatomically correct rubber suit” as Uma Thurman’s Poison Ivy put it? George Clooney behind the cowl? Too many characters? An overly comic book ending, that most comics wouldn’t even contemplate? Over the top acting? Cheesy one-liners? Well, for me, it’s all of those and a studio who brought in toy companies and allowed them to take part in the production of the movie, and who allowed them to design characters for the movie and have a hand in the concept art for the movie. It’s obvious that the studio were more focused on selling merchandise on this one, with the quality of the movie coming behind everything else.
This does not forgive Joel Schumacher either, with several actors expressing their displeasure at the way the movie was being treated. Chris O’Donnell, who played Robin, said he “felt like he was filming a toy commercial. While John Glover, who played mad scientist Dr. Jason Woodrue, has claimed that before each take that Schumacher would remark to the cast and crew “remember everyone, this is a cartoon”. Even George Clooney has said the movie was a waste of money, and even feared at one point that they killed the franchise.
He was right, for eight years anyway. Thank god for Christopher Nolan.
Describe Joffrey in three words: Erm, who’s Joffrey?
TIM THE FILM GUY – X-MEN: THE LAST STAND
It was literally between two films Spider-Man 3 and X-Men: The Last Stand. I actually already entered this into Isaac’s last Shitfest post. Here is the jist though:
Tim the Film Guy is a big nerd and I love my comics and superheroes. The movies have been both good and bad to this genre over the years but very rarely does a steaming pile of shit fly at you like this film did. X Men 3 isn’t alone in the shit comic movie world, it’s joined closely by Spider-man 3 and Green Lantern, but this one has a special place for me as the worst of all. Bryan Singer might not have achieved anything special with the first two in my eyes but they were still pretty good and I saw potential. Brett Ratner destroyed this series and it took 5 years for Matthew Vaughn to claw it back.
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Psychotic, spoilt shit!
SIDEKICK REVIEWS – I, FRANKENSTEIN
For my worst comic movie out there, I wanted to choose something I’d be interested in checking out for the first time but was trashed in reviews.
At 4% Rotten Tomatoes rating, I, Frankenstein may be the critically worst reviewed comic book movie of the year or even decade. Although it’s not the complete train wreck I’d imagined, I’ll focus on the worst aspects of the movie. Like the title character, the story is soul less and rudimentary. It’s essentially a paint by numbers screenplay which is unfortunate because there is some potential in a modern day Frankenstein, anti-hero type figure. Devoid of any moments that makes us root for Frankenstein, the movie is a hodge-podge of mindless action scenes. One dimensional characterizations carries over from Frankenstein to the supporting cast, who spout dialogue only to move the plot along. Dull, unimaginative, and on the verge of insulting. Worst of all, this movie is supposed to set up a franchise … yeah, I don’t think so.
MOVIE ROB – CATWOMAN
I think I’d have to go with Catwoman (2004) (which might be high on most people’s lists). Halle Barry’s take on her was pretty pathetic and the story itself was actually quite dull. Michelle Pfieffer did a much better job and even fellow Oscar winner Anne Hathaway was more interesting to watch in the role.
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Impudent, wicked, malignant.
SILVER SCREEN SERENADE – SPIDERMAN 3
There’s a whole slew of dreadful comic book movies out there, but there are only a couple that I truly loathe. One of those is X-Men: The Last Stand, and that was very nearly my choice for this. However, in my opinion, the ultimate shit show is Spider-Man 3. I’ve never loved excruciatingly awkward Tobey Maguire in the role of Peter Parker, and he’s at his worst as angsty, emo Spidey with terrible hair. Throw in lifeless performances from Kirsten Dunst and James Franco, three of the most one-dimensional and/or miscast super villains ever, and a script that makes nails on a chalkboard sound nice, and BOOM–you’ve got yourself Spider-Man 3. Hate. So much hate.
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Sadistic little bitch!
CINEMA PARROT DISCO – MAN OF STEEL
The truth is, I know there have been some very bad comic book movies but I’ve tried to avoid watching the ones that are meant to be REALLY bad. So I’m going with a movie that is half pretty good and half really bad: Man Of Steel. Is it the worst comic book movie ever? No, it’s not. However, the second half is pretty damn terrible after such a promising start. Man Of Steel proves that, yes, there actually can be TOO MUCH ACTION in a film. I still can’t believe how extremely over the top the “final showdown” was at the end – I’m not sure what the exact length was but it went on and on and on and on for what felt like an eternity. What a huge disappointment the movie was (and I like Zack Snyder for the most part – I absolutely loved his Dawn Of The Dead remake). So I know I’m probably alone in choosing this but my choice for the worst comic book movie is The Second Half Of Man Of Steel. I’d probably actually hate the movie less if the first half had sucked as much as the second half did…
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Kid. Royalish. Maybe dead by now.
SPORADIC CHRONICLES OF A BEGINNER BLOGGER – BATMAN AND ROBIN
I had to give this some thought, but I will settle on my most reviled comic movie vote going to Batman and Robin. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty movies that should join Batman and Robin, such as the disasterpiece that was Catwoman or even that hunk of junk The Spirit. But Batman and Robin offended me the most, and hence it will get my vote. What the hell was up with that film? This is the same movies that gave us the godforsaken batnips and a sissy Bane, a.k.a. Ivy’s bitch. No thank you. There were some of the most cringe-worthy lines in movie history crammed in here chock-full, there was truly nothing that worked for this. How the hell this was even approved is completely beyond me. What studio thought that this would somehow make money? Insult to injury, we had to listen to an exceptionally whiny Robin on top of all this… good gracious, Schumacher really ruined this completely. What a painful experience.
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Malevolent fucking cunt!
THE VERBAL SPEW REVIEW – CATWOMAN
I was originally going to say Barb Wire or Batman & Robin, but they were actually quite funny, so I decided to go with the epic murderage of an awesome female character that was Catwoman (2004). Not only did this travesty of a comic book film completely destroy the interesting mythology surrounding this mysterious, yet kick-arse lady, but it actually had the audacity to rename her. Selina Kyle became Patience Phillips (seriously, that’s a stupid name). Halle Berry brought nothing but angsty faces and superfluous lip-licking to the role. Sharon Stone as the “villain” couldn’t emote due to excessive botox and was shockingly irritating. Don’t get me started on that atrocious CGI cat-walk on the roof. A part of me died a little inside that day in the cinema as I witnessed the defacement of one of my all-time favourite comic book characters.
Michelle Pfeiffer > Halle Berry. Any damn day of the week.
Describe Joffrey in Three Words: Pompous purple prick.
SNAP CRACKLE WATCH – THE GREEN HORNET
When Luke asked me to contribute to this month’s question, the first thing that popped in my head was I really don’t know much about comic book characters. I can appreciate the movies for what they are, but I am not familiar with details, as in how it was portrayed in comics, etc. Nor am I very attached to any of characters in particular, given this fact I feel I can give a non-comic book fan unbiased opinion. I absolutely hated and let me restate that, hated The Green Hornet movie of 2011. I have to say I did watch it because my dad loved the 60’s show as a kid and always raved about it, so I figured I’d give this a shot. I love, and I will repeat, I love Seth Rogen, so to see him in this was not only disappointing, but just plain weird and odd. I listen to Howard Stern and in a recent interview, he said it himself how much he hated doing the movie and felt like it was not him the whole time.
It’s plain to see that he doesn’t make sense in the role and the script is just plain crappy. The way Rogen and Evan Goldberg, his writing partner, typically go about making films is with a lot of improvisation and fine tuning as the movie is filmed, like Pineapple Express and Knocked Up, this makes for great moments and for making it all their own, but this was stifled due to it being a big budget, rated R movie. This inability to make The Green Hornet his own and with his touch is obvious and it the end the movie suffered with horrible consequences. Not even Christopher Waltz, who is a fantastic actor, could save this film. In the end, it is obvious that this was a movie that was never anyone in particular’s “baby,” to say that they loved it and wanted to mold it enough into perfection, instead it was just a movie that was handled by people who could not care less about it.
Thanks Luke for letting me give my 2 cents.
Describe Joffrey in three words: CU Next Tuesday